Hello beautiful people, long time no see!! I hate how every time I log back on here it's an "oh my goodness it's been a month!" but college (life in general) is busy so here I am a month later. Truth be told, I just haven't been making time to blog. There's like a million quotes out there about making time for the things/people you love, so please insert those here. I've been going through a low time, so whenever I'm not in class or doing homework or at work, I just want to lay in my bed and watch something mindlessly. (Currently, it's the Halloween Baking Championship on Hulu. 10/10 recommend. And bring your Oreos with you to watch because man the cravings are real). I just haven't been motivated!!! Life, in general, has just felt heavy and never-ending. Wake up, go to class, eat, work, homework, sleep, repeat. Seriously those are my days to a T.
A few weeks ago, my roommate and bestie girl Charlie saw me watching YouTube and eating dinner, something that I do every night. She said something along the lines of, "J, why don't you do this? I know this is something that you want to do. You just have to do it." Yeah, yeah, great pep talk thank you NEXT there's no way I could ever actually do it...unless...And then I filmed a week in my life that week (those are my favorite videos to watch. Can someone please tell me why I find it so interesting to see how other people live their lives? 😂) BUT it was not as simple as it sounds. You think that talking to a camera by yourself wouldn't be hard, I mean you're literally by yourself, but I had the worst stage fright, I'm telling you like I could not be myself and that was so frustrating! That sent me down a spiral of self-doubt and thinking "If I can't even be myself in front of myself, who am I?" I've been on the search for self-discovery since then. Spoiler alert: still haven't found her LOL. I actually did film my days throughout that whole week, edited all the footage together, was pretty proud of how it turned out and then....half the video was corrupted when I went to export it *insert ALL the crying emojis* I spent hours editing this video only for half of it disappear!? That only sent me further down the spiral. That's it. I'm not cut out for YouTube and vlogging.
But, every night while I'm falling asleep, I picture so vividly the different videos that I want to film, how I would edit them, and all the little details that would make it perfect. I picture all the cute outfits that I want to take pictures in. I picture all the home decor that I want to decorate my apartment with to then share with you guys. And it is so. dang. vivid. in my head! It's within an arms reach. It's seriously right there and all I have to do is take one step forward and it'll be mine.
I am a BIG signs girl. Let me give you a couple examples:
1. Minutes after my Grampie (Dad's dad) passed away, it started to rain. I sat there and watched the rain fall and cried along with it. It was a sad moment, but I also knew that it was a healing moment. I looked up what rain after death meant, and the first thing that I saw said it meant that your loved one made it Heaven safely.
2. I went to my grandma's house a few weeks after my grandpa (Mom's dad) passed away and I leaned over to my mom and said that I wished I could just hear his voice again. 10 minutes later, I was standing in the kitchen and the phone had just got done ringing, leading to the voicemail going off. In my grandpa's voice.
Like I said, BIG signs girl. This week brought me another sign in the form of a bluejay. Leaving my advertising class on Monday and Wednesday I saw this bright blue *duh* bluejay sitting by a tree. On Wednesday, I snapped a few pictures of him to send in my family group chat as my dad and Brenda love birds. Brenda, (that's my stepmom btw! I figure that most people reading this know me on a personal level and probably know who she is, but here's the clarification for the 2% of you who don't actually know me haha! Also if you fall in that 2%, I'm very flattered, thank you for reading!) sent me a picture with the meanings behind a bluejay. The first word that a bluejay symbolizes is "freedom." YouTube is an outlet that gives me the FREEDOM to be creative. YouTube gives me the FREEDOM to express myself. The picture then continued on to say that the spiritual meaning of the bluejay is "an exciting new venture awaits you, go forth and capture it with passion and authority." Are you kidding me?!?!? That could not be more clear! I mean, maybe it's all coincidence, but come on!!!
So needless to say, I have a fire lit under me now. I uploaded my first "official" vlog on YouTube and shared it with the world. Honestly, it's kind of rough, but practice makes perfect and I have a lot more coming!! So buckle your seatbelts haha. Oh and subscribe! I get so excited just thinking about it all. You know that feeling where you're looking forward to Christmas break and you're so excited to see your cousins and eat your aunt's famous sugar cookies and watch Christmas movies in your pjs all day??? Yeah, that's the level of excitement I get when thinking about all the videos that I want to film and edit.
As I mentioned, I have been in a little bit of a rut lately, but after this week of posting my YouTube video and getting a positive response, it's starting to look up! My life is so repetitive, so it can be hard to feel motivated, so I'm excited to throw this project into the mix to give me 1) something to challenge myself with and 2) something to look forward to!
My Sunday will now look like going to work, going grocery shopping, & painting my nails while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Happy Sunday, friends!!
Just Julia
