July 2019

In the month of July I have:

- Been rejected by all three internship opportunities I applied for

- Let an old relationship that carries a lot of weight back into my life

- Lost a loved one

- Watched my brother and Amy pick up their whole lives and move to another state

- Helped my little brother as he chose to go to a different high school

- Blogged for 30 days, soon to be 31

That's a lot of life in only one month. It's hard to see the meaning of it all when I'm in the thick of it, but I trust that something good will come from all of this. I'll let you know what that is when I find it.

They say God's timing is perfect. That's a hard statement to agree with at the moment, because honestly, is there ever a perfect time to lose someone? But as I think back at this whole month that I've been writing, there was never a more perfect time to do this blog. For starters, I can go back and relive all the wonderful days that led up to these hard ones. They serve as a reminder that life was good before, and it will be good again. I also don't think I would be doing fine if it weren't for this safe space. I cry and my heart hurts for my family, but I don't feel heavy. Letting my words out makes me physically feel lighter. They can't sit on my chest if I let them out on a page. I've mentioned before that I struggle with having lack of control, but knowing that I have control of my words, and that the words I'm using are helping to comfort my family, man, I don't know a feeling better than that.

Last night I couldn't sleep because it was too real. I can find peace in the fact that my Grampie is no longer weak or in pain. What I'm having a hard time dealing with is the fact that my dad and his sibling lost their father. My Googie lost her husband. Grampie wore many hats, literally and figuratively. But I'm really having a hard time letting his "father" hat and "husband" hat sit on the shelf.

So I'll take it day by day. I'll wake up and laugh and have joy. And at night I'll talk to Grampie. And I'll do it again the next day. And eventually, it'll get better.

Just Julia