Control & Uncertainty

Dear Diary,

No honestly, today's post is going to look more like a diary entry. I just have so many thoughts and emotions bouncing around, and I need to let them out. Typically, I love talking to people about feelings and experiences because it's just nice to know you're not alone in what you're going through, but when it comes to the deep life stuff (aka anything that's going to make me cry), I won't talk about it. I will do anything in my power to make sure you don't see me cry. I don't really know why. It's kind of a mix of not wanting people to worry about me, not wanting to appear weak, and also I'm a very ugly crier so that doesn't help.

This summer has honestly been so good to me. I've been relaxing at home for the most part, which is how I personally recharge. Especially with this being my last summer at home, I just want to spend all my time in this house. It's a safe place full of comfort and I cherish it so much because I know I'll have to leave it to go back to college where I don't feel comfortable all the time. Now don't get me wrong, I love Lincoln. There are so many things that I love about who I am when I'm in Lincoln - I'm confident, I'm constantly growing, I'm more adventurous, and I've realized how strong I can be. But, it's not home. It's not going on walks with my dog in the morning. It's not saying my prayers with my mama before bed. It's not sitting on the couch without worrying about how I'm going to pay rent or pay for groceries. I know I shouldn't focus on all the things that it's not, instead I should focus on all the good things that it is, but it's hard to see all of that right now.

This time last year was the lowest point in my life. I've never been more scared and worried than I was then. I keep seeing memories popping up on my Timehop from last year of me packing, and it's bringing back all those same emotions.

Within this last month, everything has shifted. I've been getting a lot of rejections from internships and jobs I've been applying for, a family member isn't doing well, and I'm so terrified about making ends meet this coming year. Needless to say, I feel like I've lost all control.

This is embarrassing to admit, but when my mom brought home my queen mattress the other day, I was mad. I was mad because I have one month left in my room, and here she was changing it. I don't know if you've picked up on this, but I don't really do well with change (That was such a sarcastic comment if you couldn't tell. It's extremely obvious that I don't do well with change 😂). I was mad because I didn't choose to get that mattress, I didn't choose to change my room. How silly is that? My mom was doing something so nice and so selfless for me, yet I was mad at her? I look back at this and I know it has nothing to do with my mom or the mattress. It has everything to do with wanting to control little things because I feel like I don't have any control in my life. Now I look forward to getting in my queen bed at night, and I'm so thankful for a mom who does things simply to make me happy. I have a really good mom.

It's hard to sit here thinking about this coming year and not know where I'm going to work. Not know if I'm going to get the internships that I so badly need to gain experience. Not know if I'm going to be short on rent or not.

I know everything will work out, and I know that what's meant for me will find me, but it's hard to believe those words when life seems to be so uncertain at the moment.

I am excited to see my friends back in Lincoln. I am excited to live in the same town as my cousin/best friend/role model. I am excited to have my brother and his girlfriend in Lincoln with me. I am excited to decorate my apartment. I am excited to walk through the farmers market on Saturday mornings. I am excited to yell "Go Big Red" with the masses on game days. I am excited, truly, and I know I'll have fun once I'm there. So when you see me posting cute pictures with all of my friends, huge smiles on our faces, know that those happy emotions are real. But also know that I'm going through all the stressed/worried/scared/uneasy/uncertain emotions behind the scenes. Let's be honest, I'll probably blog about all those feelings too, so they won't be very behind the scenes - but hey, that's what I like about this whole blog thing.

Thank you for letting me spill my heart onto this page. It was something I truly needed. I was cranky when I started typing this blog, but I let out my words and my tears, and now I feel so much lighter.

You can find me letting out more steam by belting out Thomas Rhett at the top of my lungs on the way to work later, so if you see me, mind yo bidness. 😉😂😂😂

Just Julia.