Coming Home

Now, I’ll be the first to tell you that I STRUGGLED my freshman year of college. It was the biggest adjustment of my life and it really threw me for a loop. So you would think that coming back home for the summer would be the best thing and I would be so excited for it. Well, yes. But also no.

Let me start off by saying that I LOVE my hometown. I am so thankful to be raised in a small community where everywhere you look there’s a familiar face (sometimes I’m not so thankful for that lol) BUT overall, having a supportive, safe community to grow up in was the dream. On the flip side, having everyone know your business or people assuming to know your business is not the dream. I’ll tell you straight up right now, I am insecure! I get anxious in social situations! I care what people think about me! It’s not fun to admit those things, but I think that being able to recognize that I do feel that way is one step in the right direction to helping me overcome those struggles. Anyways, living in a small town does NOT help with those things. I was constantly on edge thinking, “oh no my outfit is too revealing and adults are going to talk about me.” “Julia that was so stupid why did you say that, people are going to talk about you now.” Oh goodness gracious do not even get me started on how terrifying it was to play sports in front of my whole school. The whole time all I could think about was how awkward I probably looked and how people would make fun of me. Let me also say this, no one ever said anything negative to me about my athleticism (or lack thereof lol). This was all made up fear that I planted into my brain, but it was real fear nonetheless.

So, going to a large college where 98% of people had no clue who I was, was the most freeing feeling. Yes, I struggled with a lot of other things (that is a whole blog post on its own *laughing crying emoji*....*throw in a crying emoji while you’re at it too*) but growing a little more into myself was something that was positive. And looking back on it, I am so proud of myself. In Lincoln, I am just Julia. I am not “Julia who was on the dance team.” I am not “Julia who was painfully average at volleyball.” I am not “Julia who quit track.” I am not “Julia who got a boyfriend and then lost her best friends.” Yep, that one is scary to admit, but it’s something I’m taking ownership of and am still trying to make amends. Long story short, I am not high school Julia. Don’t get me wrong, High School Julia has taught me a lot of things. She experienced some hardships and came out stronger. She also made mistakes and learned from them. I am grateful for High School Julia, but I am loving who College Julia is becoming.

I talk about this with my friends often, and I’ll say it here too. I know who I want to be, but I am not her yet. I have a lot of goals that I want to accomplish and it will take me years to get there, but I believe the journey is the fun part. I am excited to see how much I’ll grow and stumble and get back up and take two steps back and then four steps forward. Terrified? Oh of course. Excited? Most definitely.

Back to the whole point of the blog: coming home. Coming back home is like crawling into your warm bed at the end of the day. The room is cold, but your blankets are cozy and warm, and you have your favorite movie/TV show pulled up and some bomb snacks sitting next to you. Oh and your dog is there too. Yeah it’s THAT good. But after awhile, you start getting sweaty because it’s too hot, and your snacks are gone, and your eyes hurt from watching too much TV. Yeah, it also feels like that. As I was saying earlier, College Julia feels free to be whoever she wants. Coming back home, I feel like I have to be High School Julia again. I feel like I have to be exactly who everyone else thinks I should be. And it’s a heavy feeling. Sitting back in my old room where I spent countless nights crying because of sports, or friends, or math (a lot of tears shed over math lol), or just life, it just sits on my chest. Reliving every past emotion from 4+ years all at once is...I don’t even know how to describe it other than “heavy.”

Now, those low moments come and they go and for the most part, I am so so happy to be home. I’ve done a lot of negative binging on this post, which feels good, and I highly recommend for anyone feeling the same. Keeping it in only makes it heavier. Write it out in a journal or sit in front of your mirror and talk to yourself. Talking to myself in the mirror is honestly one of my favorite things. It’s a safe place because I’m by myself, but just seeing my reflection makes me feel not alone.